I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
