So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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