i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
