Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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