his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
