I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
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