You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
