Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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