arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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