I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
