either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
