i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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