my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
