No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
