Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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