yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
