dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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