i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
