bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
