We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
