I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
