I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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