remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
