they need to just BURY HIM!
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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