I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
