there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
