I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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