She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The air was thick with penises
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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