sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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