Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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