Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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