i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
