If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
how do you play pong handcuffed?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
