Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
