I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
and you fell through a lawn chair
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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