Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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