please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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