you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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