And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Randomize
