I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
