I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
