i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
