Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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