never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
