everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
