we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
