JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
