feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
