She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
