Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
