I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
